Friday, 27 November 1992
Perth, AUSTRALIA Æ Sydney, AUSTRALIA.
Arrived at Perth Airport at 8:30pm as arranged with the Lads. As expected Frank arrived one hour late (9:30pm). I got shonked with the Frequent Flyer deal because Frank got it written on his ticket and I didn’t. When going through the departure lounge and saying goodbye to loved ones, Cakey suspiciously kissed Jenene and then ran through the door straight away. I hurried off after him only to find him partially dehydrated from excessively going the CRY!
The flight was stuffed and no one got any nap time.
Saturday, 28 November 1992
Sydney, AUSTRALIA Æ Los Angeles, U.S.A.
Sydney is exciting at 7:00am, NOT! We looked at the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge (stopping to goober in Sydney Harbour) and managed to walk 12km to cover a 3km distance to Darling Harbour thanks to the wonderful directions of Wizza. Undoubtedly the highlight of our brief stay in Sydney was a game of cricket played outside the Maritime Museum with a tennis ball and a John le Carré book. It was just unfortunate that Jan lost his grip at one stage and sent the book flying.
During our travels it was decided that Sydney personified the term ART!
We went back to the airport early so we could watch the cricket in the lounge. Everyone removed their shoes in the lounge and Jan was promptly requested to put his shoes back on as he was offending the other customers.
In the line to board the plane Cakey was singing the virtues of the women's lib movement and said he liked pink gear. He was immediately branded ‘FEMININE’ by the boys, especially considering the infamous CRY incident. On the plane Cakey and I got to sit next to chicks, and Wizza got a big black man. Jan took 4 airsick pills and slept for the entire flight (with the racy airline goggles on), only waking briefly to get the phone number of Caroline, even though she was many years past his preferred age bracket (15-16 yrs). Everyone else went sans sleep and drank many QANTAS bourbons which were extremely potent. Cakey ordered a Gin and Tonic but it was too strong for him so he ordered a water, or something girlie.
Saturday, 28 November 1992 (ii)
... the saga continues
Sydney, AUSTRALIA Æ Los Angeles, CA Æ Redlands, CA.
We all showed the date as we passed the International Date Line, hence the 28/11/92 (ii). Customs was no worries and the esky made us all proud by completing the journey fully intact. Davo was waiting for us at the airport and was informed of all the happenings, especially Cakey being a nancy.
We picked up the A Team van and went shopping. I was feeling very poorly after 50 plus hours without sleep, and thus fell asleep twice while waiting for Jan to get some jeans.
We met Lee and Deek, Davo’s friends and then took off for Redlands - near the snow - where Cakey piked out at Euchre.
Discovered that tipping and tax bites the bag, and that it is not manners to get up at McDonalds without cleaning your tray.
We also discovered that kicking the footy in the streets is not an accepted practise here and people especially don't see it as good play when cars are hit.
During the natural course of events Jan revealed himself to be keeper of the kitty after losing out in the nip.
Sunday, 29 November 1992
Redlands, CA Æ Bear Mountain Ski Resort, CA Æ Las Vegas, NV.
Awoke at 6:00am and headed for Bear Mountain. It was wicked!! We hired skis and headed straight to the top of the mountain. Cakey wisely left the door of the van open with the keys in it, to test the honesty of the Seppo’s. From here on in Cakey may be known as KOOKY. For a first effort skiing Cakey did bloody well, and by the end of the day was tackling most of the slopes the Hellmen - the rest of us were called this by all on the mountain - did. He did however end up with ‘snow in every orifice’. Davo won the Classic Crashes Award with a beautiful no-twist, one ski, high speed face plant, in pike position.
After the days festivities (8:30am - 4:00pm skiing) we all parked, except Davo who drove us to Las Vegas. We stayed in the Circus Circus Casino and did it up until 4:30am, except Wizza who had a nap. (It cost us just $4 each to stay in the hotel + tax, tip and exchange rate, and only $4 for an all-you-can-eat buffet meal)
During the course of this evening the saying ‘Goodwill Schmill’ was introduced to our vocabulary, basically because I was pissed!
On the way to Vegas Cakey was asleep but still managed to carry out the following conversation with Davo:
(The car is stopped and Jan and Davo have just gone the piss.)
Cakey: You can’t do that
Cakey: Have Olivia Newton John on two separate tapes.
Davo: Why’s that?
Cakey: Because she won’t like it.
Cakey: That’s a bit rude Jan.
Davo: It’s Davo not Jan you kook.
Cakey: No, Jan just went the grope.
(Laughter and Pause)
Davo: Where are we going?
Cakey: We’re going to Dateland.
We all wonder if Cakey’s feminine side got carried away when sleeping with Jan the previous night. Did he really go the grope?
Monday, 30 November 1992
Las Vegas, NV.
Awoke at lunchtime and walked up the strip to suss out all the Casinos. White tigers and dolphins at the Mirage were filth. We also saw the volcano blow its load.
We watched Monday night football at the Stardust and went the bet. Davo and Wiz came up trumps but I was shafted in the last 3 seconds of the game. Seattle scored a TD to tie with Denver and bugger up my ‘under 7 pts in the 4th quarter’ bet. Everyone consumed many beers.
It was also discovered during the day that many of the Vegas strippers have calling cards which can be collected. These proved extremely useful to (i) hide ugly pictures of girlfriends held in wallets, and (ii) to stick in other people's back pockets. Frank carried one card with him all day without realising.
Back at the room Jan was presented with the money holder for the kitty by Frank. A most attractive PURSE it is too. Jan may now be known as the Purse Carrier from now on. We played Black Jack till 5:30am with some cool Yanks , who we gave many of our famed sayings to, such as ‘have a slash’, ‘lick the bag’ and ‘chicks’. In turn they introduced us to Sex on the Beach, Margueritas, Salty Dogs, and Kamikazes.
Cakey does not drink bourbon, maybe he really is a girl? He also gets offended if you scratch the scrote.
Tuesday, 1 December 1992
Las Vegas, NV Æ Hoover Dam, NV/AZ Æ Kingman, AZ Æ Williams, AZ.
Awoke at 9:00am. What hangover? I was rudely interrupted in the shower by Jan who insisted that he was about to blow chunks. We left Vegas and headed for Hoover Dam. Kooky proved his worth by leaving the back of the van open when we stopped to take some happy snaps. This takes his tally of dumb things to 5 plus for the trip. Hoover Dam was mammoth (photos probably won’t do it justice).
The most exciting happening of the day was when Davo relented and Captain Denno took control of the A Team van. The right side of the road is for squeezers! We stayed at Williams.
Also, I forgot some critical points in previous days:
(i) Davo expressed his desire to become an architect/interior decorator at Vegas by pin striping the toilet.
(ii) I taught the Lads the ins and outs of the burp/fart, finger to the forehead game. It is proving extremely popular.
Wednesday, 2 December 1992
Grand Canyon, AZ Æ Flagstaff, AZ Æ Phoenix, AZ.
We got up at 8:00am and left for the Grand Canyon. Jan had a drive and we made it to the big hole following one near death, head on experience. It was bloody awesome. We goobered in the Canyon.
Wiz drove from here to Flagstaff. We checked out Humphries Peak, the highest point in Arizona, and Frank and I made yellow snow. We kicked the footy at North Arizona University only to suffer from severe altitude exhaustion. Cakey drove from Flagstaff to somewhere too far away. He makes the rest of us look like Nigel Mansell. We eventually made it to Phoenix with Banker at the wheel. Davo will have some extensive driving reports on all the Lads.
Nothing really high jinxy happened today except Jan got caught with his pants down by Davo, and Frank got excited when something poked him in the date while driving.
Cakey went the entire day SANS girlie points.
Made up for the lack of feistiness during the day by being extremely feisty at night. We found this nightclube that was selling 'penny pitchers' and was going off. (A real bargain that - 1c for the beer and $1 as a tip.)
Firstly Banker scammed onto a lesbian and got the biggest cold shoulder on record. Then Cakey nipped a good looking chick, Jan went the shaft on her only to suffer Janitis at the last hurdle. This resulted in Cakey going the cry.
We all made it home eventually, some with blind Jan, some with the girlie drivers from hell - the lesos who thought we were faking our Aussie accent just to pick them up.
Following the extremely shonky evening Davo read the bible for 10 minutes to redeem everyone.
At the conclusion of these happenings Jan packed a 6 pack of rubbers into his wallet (what Frank was doing with 24 in the first place I’m still not sure. Wishful thinking perhaps? - ed.). It was also voted that Jorgo was more feminine than Cakey. Jan promptly fell asleep and we kindly shaved half his eyebrow for him.
Postscript by the Lads
During the course of the evening, previous to many of these happenings, it was seen that Wizza went the chat. Denno, unhappy that anyone could pants him in the shonking manoeuvres, decided to interrupt Wizza’s impressive moves and instantly brushed Wizza aside. After some time he left these babes due to the call of the Lads. Later, however these girls returned and Denno did not relent. Unfortunately these girls were the ugliest pig-dogs in the history of the world.
Thursday, 3 December 1992
Phoenix, AZ Æ Buckeye, AZ Æ Yuma, AZ Æ San Diego, CA Æ
Tijuana, MEXICO Æ Chula Vista, CA.
We got to bed at 3:30am and awoke at 5:50am. Davo courageously went the drive. Last night's activities have resulted in some fabulous new sayings:
JAN SCHMARN - can basically be used to describe anything that is pathetic, esp. the behaviour of Jan.
KA’ CHING KA’ CHING - (i) when the purse is unleashed; (ii) cashing in on something, esp. a girlie.
On the drive the boys were so delirious through lack of sleep that they discovered a new land use: Rock Farming! These rocks can be open cut mined or harvested. In order to be harvested the rocks are fertilised by cows. When harvested these rocks can also be shorn of moss by New Zealanders with wide toothed combs. If the Date picking season coincides with shearing then the number of R.V.’s in Yuma goes off the dial.
In fact the entire drive was an extremely exciting affair as we passed through DATELAND and stopped in Yuma to have a Date Shake. Wizza took the responsibility of photographing both of these historic events.
We cruised through San Diego. I saw some guys doing the surf up. The car was piloted with precision by ME. We eventually made it to Chula Vista with Jan having to smell the way because Davo inexplicably became unable to give directions while trying to find the Melimar Bar were Tom Cruise struts his stuff in Top Gun.
In the arvo/evening we got the trolley (tram) down to Tijuana (Mexico). It is very Balinesque. We looked for jewellery, watches, whips and all sorts of crap. We saw the fastest game in the world being played, we got offered a admission to a sex show of dubious character involving a donkey, and had hell hot food at some restuarant. Even the carrots were spicy! The town is a bloody hole.
While in Mexico though we were forced to expand upon our racial definition to include not only Seppo’s and Noomski’s, but also Gweedo’s (the smelliest, slimiest and ugliest of them all).
Cakey tried very hard all day not to accumulate any girlie points, unfortunately his feminine side got the best of him on two occasions:
(i) He was seen leaving the women's restroom at a truck stop. We hope he still knows how to use a urinal.
(ii) In Tijuana we were all looking at manly things such as knives, whips, etc when Cakey bolted down the foot path and into a perfume shop.
Friday, 4 December 1992
Chula Vista, CA Æ Anaheim, CA.
Today we drove from Chula Vista to Anaheim, and went to DISNEYLAND. Space Mountain was absolutely incredible, and Cakey actually got onto the ride this time with a little bit of encouragement from the boys! There was a space ship (Star Wars) simulator that was so believable that I fell off my seat. (It was a big room on hydraulic rows.) We had our phot taken on Splash Mountain with Cakey and I sharing the front seat duties and getting absolutely satched.
To counter these highlights Cakey took us to the most girlie, pathetic, squeezer of a show - these stupid bears singing songs. The best thing about it was that I got some snooze time. This prompted Wizza to pull another shocker out of the bag - Its A Small World. A fine sleep was had by all except Wiz on this ride. Perhaps the most awesome bit of gear was the FEISTY TOAD roller coaster which Frank found for us. Actually called Mr Toads Wild Journey, it is the only roller coaster in the world with sans hills.
That evening Cakey bathed and snored, Wiz wrote a love letter to Marie (very S.N.A.G. Wiz), and Banker, Jan, Davo and I went to Peppers. Obviously this was the babe hangout for the greater Los Angeles region.
One poor women mistook Jan for Brandon (90210) and put the night moves on him. Jan tried his hardest to go Jan Schmarn, but Davo had a quiet word to TAMMY and explained that Jan suffered from Janitis and she showed sympathy and took him home for some personal nursing. When asked why she picked Jan out of the four of us she said that she thought that the rest of us were so good looking that we would already be married or have girlfriends; leaving Jan.
Saturday, 5 December 1992
Anaheim, CA Æ Hollywood, CA Æ Beverly Hills, CA Æ Santa Monica, CA.
Jan proved himself incapable of going the one night stand, as his wife (Tammy) rang us at the hotel and wanted him to go shopping. AAARGHH! We drove to L.A. after Jan had sorted out his missus and hired a new car - a 5.0l V8 Chevrolet Wadmobile. When Frank sits in the back the exhaust pipe drags on the ground.
We drove through Beverly Hills which was RITZY/ART and HollyWAD which was a bloody toilet. Davo got accosted by a Gweedo and almost went sans cash, but instead escaped with just full undies.
That arvo we pulled up in Westwood (L.A.) and got filmed by these guys to go on the Arsenio Hall Show ads. We are definitely stars of the stage and screen.
That night we saw the L.A. Clippers v’s the Charlotte Hornets at the Los Angeles Sports Arena. After that we went to Santa Monica and went down the Promenade (Mall). Banker showed good foresight by forgetting his I.D., but eventually we got into Yankee Doodles (sports bar) where we played Foosball and Shufflepuck. Early night: 3:30am!
During the night Jan strikes back and shaves Cakey’s eyebrow.
During the day we were looking for Al and Ed’s, a car stereo store, and had absolutely no clue. We solved the problem by covering Jan’s eyes and getting him to give directions via E.S.P.. As we rounded a corner he said ‘We should be able to see it soon’. Sure enough we saw it, then ‘Stop, we are here’. He was about 12 metres out. Not bad. No sign of Janitis.
Sunday, 6 December 1992
Los Angeles, CA.
Once again I maxed out on sleep and got up at 6:30am to take DAVO to the LAX airport. Cakey came along for the cry. We drove along Venice beach, Santa Monica, etc on the way back to the hotel to get the three sleeping uglies
We went to the Los Angeles Coliseum (where the Olympics were done up) with Lee and Deek to see the L.A. Raiders play the Kansas City Chiefs. Apparently it is traditional to have a 'tailgate party' in the carpark before the game so we did it up with KFC and Millers. A lot of feisty supporters got arrested. Frank proved he could sleep anywhere.
Jan drove us back to the hotel because Frank Spank Wank forgot his I.D. just for a change. For some reason Jan’s sense of direction is rooted when it rains so we went to Westwood via Hollywad. We went back to Yankee Doodles where I proceeded to dominate the International Putt Putt Challenge, over some very second rate opposition (Bank and Cake). Lee at least looked good while losing.
Had drinks at Lee and Deek's before having an early night (Oh My God!); 11:00pm.
At about this time Frank showed a surprising lack of beer drinking capacity. We suspect it is an attempt to lose weight.
Monday, 7 December 1992
Los Angeles, CA Æ Santa Barbara, CA Æ Monteray, CA.
We awoke at 7:45am, later than expected due to the absence of Dave, who normally awakes at 6:30am to start drinking and partying. Drove to Santa Barbara on the 101 and saw some beautiful coast and good surf (but no Eden or Cruise). Santa Barbara is the nicest town we have seen so far. It was here though, that Frank produced an epic tark which totally blocked the bowl. It could not even flush.
Santa Barbara to Monterey was extremely beautiful! The road ran through mountains 2500ft high, only 30m from the beach, and was extremely feisty (speed limit 25mph). Frank took over the driving from Wiz at Hearst Castle, just before the feisty road began. This was mainly due to the fact that Cakey wanted to drive and no one else wanted him to. Frank was chosen because we thought he was responsible enough to cope with the challenges of the road ahead. Unfortunately, he let the boys down by recklessly doubling the speed limit around bends while allowing Jan to fiddle with his date. However, it was voted that this was still safer than letting Cakey drive.
During the day's journey Cakey suffered the misfortune of losing all his chocolates (Hershey Kisses). These were cruelly devoured by the Lads in the back seat while Cakey sat in the passengers seat with me at the wheel. Cakey remarked at one stage that it smelt like we were passing a chocolate factory. He was darker than Chris Lewis when he found out why
We had a quiet night (ie NO Davo), watched Monday night football (Bears v Oilers) at Monterey and played cards.
Frank is still going sans beers.
Tuesday, 8 December 1992
Monteray, CA Æ San Fransisco, CA.
So much for an early nights sleep! Wiz, Banker and Cakey stayed up till 3:00am writing letters to their respective wives. Of course the light was right next to my bed.
We drove around Monterey/Pebble Beach, and sussed out all the ritzy golf courses. The public course was $150 for 18 holes, plus club hire and caddy. We then drove to Santa Cruz and had lunch.
Joy of joys Cakey took the wheel insisting ‘C’mon guys I’m not that bad’. This was true, he was worse than bad. Everyone had their hands over their eyes as Cakey sped at 90mph down the highway, with zero visibility, wondering from one side of the lane to the other. I personally have never been so scared!
We arrived at San Fransisco and got out of the car ASAP. Cakey and Wiz sussed out San Fransisco and concluded that it was the city of SEXUAL FRUSTRATION. They also remarked that there were heaps of single women, largely, we suppose, because all the blokes are gay.
A quiet night was had because it was still pissing down. I am Euchre World Champ.
During the day we wanted some cards of Cakey’s. Cakey: ‘They’re in my handbag’. After the shock had passed, we agreed that this suited his new feminine image.
Frank relented from his diet and had pasta and two bourbons.
Wednesday, 9 December 1992
San Fransisco, CA.
Our first day in San Fransisco. We slept in to about 10:30am and watched Dutch with Al Bundy in it. It had a happy ending and caused Cakey to cry.
We did washing with Cakey in charge as it was deemed a feminine task, and walked down to Pier 39 to have a good scrute. The sea lions take over a section of the harbour, and lie on the floating moorings. We saw the Frank of the pack, who had a pontoon all to himself and weighed about half a tonne.
We then had a look at the Golden Gate bridge. There were filthy waves coming in under the bridge. Wizza cleverly roasted the footy onto some guys car, while he was still in it, and got busted.
That night we hit the night spots. We were walking past a bar, and looked in the window to find the Eagles v Geelong grand final on the T.V.. Of course we went in and watched and introduced the surrounding Seppo’s to terms such as ’roost’, ‘Suma’, ‘fastest man in the world’, ‘nothing doing’, and ‘he can kick it from there all day’. We then went to a night club and saw Frank’s female equivalent strutting (stomping) her stuff on the dance floor. Of course, within minutes the inevitable happened (according to Wizza’s theorem: ‘Fat attracts Fat’) and Frank was propositioned by the Whale. We all bolted off and left him to it. Eventually he left her side and tried to get sympathy from a group of four attractive females. As soon as this happened we all returned to give him a hand. There was a battle of the 3/2 eyebrows (Jan and Cakey) over the lovely Genie. No real action resulted and returned to the hotel at 2:00pm despite Frank's claims that he was given the address of the girls hotel. He later took the desperate Jan under his wing to search for the maidens, but they both returned shonkless and hapless jokes.
Highlight of the Day
We had tea at a Chinese joint and were enjoying some interesting dinner conversation. Frank turned the conversation to matters of the heart when he mentioned that rings, mortgages, kids and wedding bells had been playing on his mind a lot lately. He even knew what sort of ring he was going to buy Kerryn and had sorted out the financial planning side of his mortgage.
Thursday, 10 December 1992
San Fransisco, CA Æ Santa Rosa, CA.
Tragedy struck during the night. My eyebrow was maliciously vandalised by Mr Cake. I fought on regardless and made the journey to Alcatraz with the boys. It was very interesting, but Jan spoilt the day by pulling a mega dud out of the bag. He made us attend an hour long lecture on the 3 guys that escaped from Alcatraz (opportunity, privilege, ...). It was possibly worse than the Disney Duds produced by Wiz, Cakey and Bank (to a lesser extent).
We checked out the massive park in San Fransisco because Kooky wanted to look at the bison, and then left for Santa Rosa over the Golden Gate Bridge. Frank got our horn on TV by honking while a film crew were trying to do a weather segment with the Bridge in the background - this will undoubtedly contribute to our growing silver screen reputation around the country. We got to Santa Rosa pretty early, watched two continuous hours of Cheers, and had tea at an all-you-can-eat salad and pasta joint. He all feasted heavily, except Jan, who was disgusted by the bean curd. We went to a club called Bentley’s and had a few beers. Cakey embarrassed everyone by going the schnarp in the dunny with no door. (He tells us it was the quickest tark he's ever done.) The magic of the eyebrow (or lack of) did its stuff for Denno and all women were instantly attracted to him.
That night, back at the hotel we were asking Frank how he felt about the possibility of him losing part of an eyebrow. He replied most vehemently that he was ‘NOT SCARED’ and that he would start dishing out black eyes should his eyebrow go missing.
Postscript by the Lads
Denno showed no concern for the feelings of others by refusing to dance with a 50 year old who and kindly offered to teach Denno a few things about the night moves.
Friday, 11 December 1992
Santa Rosa, CA Æ Napa Valley, CA Æ Sacramento, CA Æ Reno, NV.
We arose at a reasonable hour, packed the car and headed for the Mall. Cakey had decided that he needed some racy thermal underwear. Wiz left us and searched for a Doctor, as he was sure he was dying. Cakey had the serving girl in stitches by chosing the raciest gear in the shop.
When Wiz returned after being rejected by Doctor #1 we left on a magnificent tour of the Geysers led by Denno. The boys were absolutely enthralled, and thanked me profusely for the fine sights. (Actually they were crap.) Cakey pissed on a Geyser pipe and created piss steam.
We then hit a few Wineries and tasted some nice Zinfandel, Cab. Sav., Merlot, and a variety of whites. Not as good as W.A. wines. We then headed to Reno, via Sacramento, after Wiz had found a Doctor who reassured him that he wasn’t about to die. With Denno at the wheel everyone packed darkies (except Frank who was not scared!) as we drove through driving snow on an icy highway. Eventually we heeded the highway warning and drove back a few miles to get chains for our tyres. None of us had seen anything like it! The highest point on the road was 7200ft and it snowed from 4000ft upwards without relenting. The snow was reported to be 6ft deep at the roadside on the top of the mountain. At one stage going down the mountain I couldn’t see 15yds in front or 5yds to the side, and I had to follow the tail-lights of the car in front at crawling speed. Jan was scared and unnerved the rest of the passengers by screaming when he could sense danger. With wisdom we decided to save ourselves $10 by removing the chains ourselves. We failed at this task miserably and ended up having to jack both sides of the Wad. We eventually got to Reno at midnight and got a room in Circus Circus.
Jan taught the blackjack dealers a lesson (not!) while I picked out and went to sleep.
Saturday, 12 December 1992
We arose at the luxurious hour of 11:30am. It was not a very exciting day. We drove out of Reno about 5 miles and found a batting cage to give a few baseballs a roost and christen Cakey’s new Louisville Slugger. Cakey claimed to be World Champion but failed to impress the Lads.
That evening we played blackjack for hours on a $1 table and got fairly comprehensively blind on free drinks (Bloody Mary’s). Frank went to bed early and the other Lads planned an eyebrow removing mission. Frank proved himself to be extremely scared because when he reached the room he had taped paper over his eyebrows and was sleeping with one eye open.
We cannot remember if Cakey did anything dumb on this day, but I’m sure he did.
Sunday, 13 December 1992
Reno, NV Æ Carson City, NV Æ South Lake Tahoe, CA.
Awoke about 8:30am and set sail for Carson City and Lake Tahoe. At Carson City we found a baseball field and the first official, full-size roost of the trip took place. Frank roosted the ball higher, harder, and further than all others. He was awakened from his dream though, when Denno punished the ball to the boundary. These occurrences unfortunately ruined another of Cakey’s ‘World Championship’ titles.
We departed, and headed for Tahoe. Our hotel had a hot spa outdoors. It was about 105°F and the outside temperature was approximately 30°F. We all spent about one and a half hours in the spa, except for Wiz who was minding the T.V.. While we were in the spa the nip came into play regularly since the beers we keeping cold in the snow and nobody wanted to go and get them. We impressed the hotel by racing from the spa to our room in just jocks.
The days highlight was Denno’s first experience of ICE driving. I got stuck in the carpark and the only way out was to do a brake burnout while Frank put his weight on the side of the car and slid it around.
Monday, 14 December 1992
South Lake Tahoe, CA.
Fine and sunny, and off to Sierra Ski Ranch we go. Cakey showed confidence that far outweighed his ability, and he ate copious amounts of snow as a result. We did every run (I think) on the mountain, including the most hellish double black diamond moguls. Wizza ernt a gold star for crash of the day: disappearing backwards over a mogul hill only to reappear 20m further down the hill, head down, ski’s up and heading for a tree (backwards)!
That evening we had another spa to try and rejuvenate our thighs and knees. We watched Monday Night Football at a bar and then parked up early.
At the bar there was a set of scales and Frank punished them (surprise, surprise), daylight second, then Jan. Warren was the lightest due to the fact that he tarks twice as much as everyone else.
Tuesday, 15 December 1992
South Lake Tahoe, CA Æ Sonora, CA.
This morning Wiz set a precedent we all hope is not repeated. By standing on the seat he managed to lay axminster all over the seat and pin-stripe the bowl as well, making it off limits for the rest of the Lads. It was decided that he should have the last dump from now on.
We skied at the Heavenly Valley resort (+10,000ft). It takes three lifts to reach the top of the mountain. Frank and I had sans headgear and it was absolutely freezing. We decided to ski back down the mountain to buy headbands, but by the time we got there we were warm enough.
From the top we could ski from Nevada to California and back over the mountain. The moguls were a lot tougher on this mountain and we skied more pure powder that was bloody tough.
That night we drove to Sonora. Denno and Jan were enthralled by a Weddings, Parties, Anything 74 play. Cakey announced that his favourite song was Ladies Lounge which is all about flowers and other assorted feminine gear. Jan decided that Cakey was 10c short of a dollar.
An agreement was worked out between the Lads that listening to a full tape of Weddings entitled Jan and I to play a Nirvana tape, or vice versa.
While skiing Jan had two crashes of the day:
#1 While flying down a trail he did a jump, landed on one ski and then endoed beautifully into a waist high pile of snow.
#2 After completing the most testing moguls on the mountain (the Face), he suffered muscle melt down (and Janitis), and proceeded to fly past a previously impressed crowd of onlookers, and smack backwards into a snow drift.
Wednesday, 16 December 1992
Sonora, CA Æ Yosemite National Park, CA Æ Los Angeles, CA.
This morning we were lucky enough to get Fraggle Rock on the T.V. and it was one of those sad episodes that brought tears to Cakey’s eyes.
We drove to Yosemite (pronounced Yose as in ‘close’, mite as in ‘vegemite’) National Park with Jan at the wheel rigourously observing the speed limit which was a welcome change from the Space Mountain ride Wizza had given us the night before.
Yosemite was cool, especially the waterfalls which flow down the shear cliffs next to the road. We walked over a frozen bit of stream, except Frank, who felt his weight may prove too excessive. Cakey walked on the rocks, past the warning sign which says not to, and promptly went arse over tit, cutting his shin. It looked like a little cut, but he still insisted on going to the hospital to look for stitches and sympathy.
We drove to L.A. and booked into a hotel in Santa Monica. By this stage of the day Jan had Cakey at 97c short of a dollar.
After watching a pethetic episode of 90210, a disillusioned Jan boldly shaved off his sideburns.
That night we went to Yankee Doodles bar and had a few beers. Jan beat Cakey at Shufflepuck and claims to be World Champ but, as he hasn’t beaten anyone else, that’s a bit doubtful.
Thursday, 17 December 1992
Los Angeles, CA.
Today we went to Universal Studios. The surprise of the day was the Animal Show. Predicted to be the dud, it turned out to be one of the highlights of the day. It was all pretty good, but there were no outstanding incidents so I will give a brief outline of the boys drinking theorem #1.
‘DRINKING MAKES YOU SMARTER!’
As we only use 7% of our cranial capacity, when you drink, if you can selectively kill the dormant brain cells, then there is more blood for the useful cells. Aka. Drinking makes you smarter.
Had pasta for tea (Frank had ‘Fattachia’), had a few drinks and then went nigh nighs.
Cakey thought the best thing about Universal Studios was that he could go shopping for more girly crap.
Highlight of the Day
The highlight of the day was getting free tickets to see the screening of the Love Connection, a dating game show. Again we got our faces on US National T.V.. There was a couple who had come on their honeymoon which reminded us of Frank and Kerryn. I got picked to go up on stage at half time and was pleased to invite Cakey to join me. We also got to select the audience's choice for the contestant, and attempted to pick the ugliest person every time. There was a seat raffle at the end of the show for some T-shirts. We decided that if we won two we would give them to Frank and Kerryn, but we only won one which Cakey kept himself.
Friday, 18 December 1992
Los Angeles, CA.
We had a delightful sleep in, and then had a very exciting washing of the clothes. I bought an amp for my car stereo and Jan beat the puss out of Cakey on the Nintendo machine.
Warren took us on a fantastic tour of the Queen Mary and the Spruce Goose. The goose was gone, and the ship cost a fortune to go on, so we all poked Wiz in the eye and drove up to Redondo Beach and Pier for an early tea.
That night we had many, many, ... beers, bourbons and grape flavoured cocktails at Chillers. Frank announced his engagement to Kerryn to all at Chillers and then got made lick when he tried to lie to the DJ and falsely announce the engagement of Denno and Cakey. We met up with a nice chick, Vaughn, and her best friend. (This was again due to the night moves of Jan on the dance floor.) She was gorgeous and caught the eye of all the Lads, esp Jan and Denno, but her friend was a pig dog and had her eye on Wizza. This was largely the reason why Wiz left us early because by that stage she had made her intentions perfectly clear. We also met up with Wilson - a Navy SEAL so he told us, but he was as weak as cat's piss - who we instantly despised and sang him a perfect rendition of the Australian national anthem just to annoy him. He tried to crack onto Vaughn but we made him look silly by comparison. We also managed to convince Vaughn that he was pissing on her from the stairs above, when in fact he had only spilt Coke on her. From our experience already in the US it came as no surprise when Vaughn drove like a maniac to Denny's.
Saturday, 19 December 1992
Los Angeles, CA Æ Sonora, CA.
Got in at 4:30am and had to wake the manager to let us in because Wiz had gone to sleep, and we couldn’t wake him to let us in. Got up at 8:30am to go to Magic Mountain. We were all very ill and suffering from raucous hangovers. The signs were ominous when it took us half and hour to cleanse our bodily systems at the tiolets before we even entered Magic Mountain. Not ideal preparation for the roller coasters ahead of us.
They were absolutely incredible! Shear drops, high G’s, loops, corkscrews, etc. Jan was so excited on one ride that he let out a loud cheer and punched his fist into the air when it was finished. However, he declined the invitation to go on it a second time We all managed to go sans spew - JUST!
The rapids ride proved extremely popular, when everyone got satched except me, and then it got really cold so we bailed out.
We were all stuffed from the previous nights exploits, so an early night was had by all.
Sunday, 20 December 1992
Los Angeles, CA Æ New York, NY.
This day licked the bag. It was very boring. The only person who got excited was Cakey, because he got to go shopping while we waited for the movie (Home Alone 2) to start. The pigeon lady was talking to MacCaullay Culkin and this caused a few tears to flow from Cakey's eyes.
Jan managed to supply some mirth to the day by getting money thrown at him by some teenage girls paaing in a car.
We dropped off our car at Alimo, complete with broken aerial, dirt from ground to roof, and dent (courtesy of Cakey’s magical driving ability).
Got on the 702 to New York (JFK) with TWA (Trans Wad Airlines). Wizza was extremely scared.
Monday, 21 December 1992
New York, NY.
Arrived at JFK at 5:40am. All action when Denno went sans gear. TWA had very thoughtfully sent my bag to Honolulu. We got a taxi to Days Inn (La Guardia) and had a nap due to the three hours lost flying eastward.
Took the subway to Manhattan in the afternoon. All action, but we were not scared. We walked for four hours and covered about one fifth the length of the central city. (Before getting our hotel Cakey announced that Manhattan was not very big, and we would be able to walk around and find a cheap hotel while carrying all our luggage. This joins the long list of dumb things that Cakey has said and done.)
Went up the Empire State Building, into Cortiers (jewellery), Country Road AUSTRALIA, etc.
Went back to our hotel during peak hour in a bus with 90 other people!
Tuesday, 22 December 1992
New York, NY.
I got up and went to the mall in the middle of Queens with all the Noomski’s. Had $400 (Aus.) to spend courtesy of travel insurance. Got back to the hotel to find the girls still parading around in their undies (12:30pm).
As we prepared to leave the hotel for the day Rank and Wizza were treated to a free tit show by some racy chick.
Got the subway again, this time to the World Trade Centre. Went up it for a scrute. We saw lots of smog and the top of the Statue of Liberty. Went downstairs and saw the Statue from ground level, then walked down Wall St. Exciting, NOT! Got subway to Central Park and walked through it at night. I was not scared but Cakey and Wizza were. Cakey nearly cried.
Ate yummy sweet and sour squirrel at a dodgy Chinese joint. Our suspicions of this place were confirmed when we saw a pest control van parked directly outside the premises. Went back to hotel where I redeemed my position as Euchre World Champion.
It was decided that New York was the City of BAD MANNERS, but that honking your horn earned you respect on the roads.
Wednesday, 23 December 1992
New York, NY Æ Philadelphia, PA Æ Washington, DC.
We got a taxi into Penn Station and got train tickets to Philadelphia. We soon learnt the ins and outs of catching Amtrak trains. That is, they sell more seats than are on the train and you are definitely not nice to old ladies who try to push their way through the pack by saying ‘excuse me, excuse me’. Needless to say we missed the first train.
We finally picked up our brand new hire car. Only a V6 this time, but probably just as well because Cakey is going to drive. A Chevy Lumina affectionately known as ‘WAD JUNIOR’. Predictably enough Cakey went through a stop sign, not 50 yards from the rental place. We are all very scared!
Cakey tried to navigate Jan style to his friends’ place, but only proved that he definitely does not have the power.
The highlight of the day was seeing a sign in the Philadelphia airport that said ‘TAXI SCHMAXI’. We immediately filed a suit for illegal use of a Lads saying.
Got to Washington DC and parked up.
Thursday, 24 December 1992
Embarked on the best days sight seeing yet. Gave the National Air and Space Museum a full scrute. It was awesome. We saw Wright’s plane, some ICBM’s, moon gear, ...
This day also included visits to the White House, Capitol Hill, the ‘phalanx’ symbol (the Washington Monument), the Lincoln Memorial, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, ...
It was bloody freezing - about 0°C - and very windy.
After returning to the hotel we went to the Airport to collect my backpack (at last!) and to report in to loved ones for Christmas Day. One of my spies tells me that Banker said ‘I LOVE you’ to Kerryn about 16 times. It was a touching moment for us all of us and Cakey nearly cried.
We consumed the rest of Wild Jan and totally schmarned on the food front because it was Christmas eve. We survived the night on bread, ham, and cheese from a Seven-11. We consumed further copious quantities of Wild Jan after we purchased a new bottle for $14.
Highlight of the Day
On the way to the airport Wizza was doing a hopeless navigating job so the boys in the back seat (Bank, Cakey and Jan) took over. They were doing a fantastic job, and we were almost there until Frank realised that we were actually navigating ourselves towards the Air Force base. It was not the alcohol! Jan devised an incredible recovery plan: ‘Follow that plane’.
Friday, 25 December 1992
Washington, DC Æ Buffalo, NY.
Christmas Day - like we give a tark!
We got up quite late and took off for Buffalo - many hours away. Jan drove the first shift and I dominated the kiddy car games in the back seat. I drove the next shift and lucked into shitty, snowy, icy roads. Made it almost to Buffalo safely (I’m still not sure how) and handed over the wheel to Cakey. I should be punished for being so stupid. Within 10 minutes the flashing lights appeared behind us. Cakey broke not one or two, but three laws, the most heinous being ‘reckless endangerment of the passengers lives by overtaking willy nilly’. We hope the ticket will make him more careful in the future.
That night we had Christmas drinks and called the Osborn’s Boxing Day party. Once I found out that Rob was taping the conversation for others to hear I quickly replied, ‘In that case, Cakey got with a fat chick last night'. Jan, when given his turn on the phone, proceeded to mutter a string of obscenities, and then refused to believe the Lads when they told him so.
Saturday, 26 December 1992
Buffalo, NY Æ Niagra Falls, NY Æ Niagra Falls, CANADA Æ Buffalo, NY.
We awoke to a sunny day, and left for Niagra Falls. The sun shining did not equal warm weather, so we discovered. Todays maximum was -8°C. At the falls the spray turned to ice and pelted us. A consensus was reached that we had never been so cold. The falls themselves weren’t nearly as big as we expected.
We all got another stamp in our passports by going into Canada for about half an hour.
Frank weighed himself on computerised scales, which determined that he was overweight and suggested a calorie controlled diet for him.
That night we got into the beers and bourbons (and wine, and Kalua, and Irish coffees, etc). Wizza fell into an alcohol induced sleep and the rest of us went to a night club. Countless drinks later Frank was approached by a chick and asked the time (or something innocent like that). Quicker than you could blink, Jan ran round the table, elbowed Frank out of the way, and tried to put the night moves on her. He later claimed that he thought she was asking him something. From these events Cakey coined the phrase: ‘Like flies to a turd, thus is Jan to a bird’.
Postscript by the Lads
During the night Denno also decided it was time he put the moves on some good looking chicks beside us. He tried for a good half an hour but got nowhere. That is unless you take pride from having girls laugh behind your back at your pathetic personality.
Sunday, 27 December 1992
Buffalo, NY Æ Cleveland, OH.
Four of the Lads awoke with man sized hangovers, and Wizza took the wheel, heading for Cleveland. We spent most of the day asleep, awaking to give the Great Lakes a scrute, and that’s about it. We got to Cleveland late in the arvo. Frank, Jan and myself parked, but Wiz and Cakey went downtown to ‘the Flats’ where all the clubs are. They returned singing: ‘You picked a fine time to leave me Louise ... You bitch, you whore, you slut’.
Apparently, on the way home Cakey again proved that he understands road rules about as well as my dog, by getting pulled over by the cops once more. (Wiz confided to me later that he was very scared when Cakey took the wheel.)
Monday, 28 December 1992
Cleveland, OH Æ Detroit, MI.
Frank awoke and went to the local gym in a vain attempt to lose weight. Cakey went also to keep him company. Rumour has it that Cakey went nude in the spa with a bloke of questionable sexual preference.
The rest of us went to town and checked out the mall, etc. We picked up the dorks at about 1:00pm and went to have lunch. Wizza and I went the nude head.
We drove to Detroit and watched a bit of Monday night football, and played cards.
Banker is now Euchre World Champ and Rickety Kate World Champ, by some incredible stroke of luck.
Tuesday, 29 December 1992
“We slept in as we have been doing for the past few days. The details of this day will be a bit sketchy because I have been too lazy to go the scribe every evening.
We went downtown and got tickets for the Redwings v the Chicago Blackhawks (Ice Hockey). There was a monorail through the city so we did a lap on it and then got out at a mall with a Ford office in it. Got to sit in all the new cars. I need a 5.0l black mustang convertible! They had an Australian Crapi with the steering wheel on the right side!!
Off to the hockey game. Cakey insisted we should rug up because it was going to be freezing inside. Fortunately we all ignore everything Cakey says because it was as warm as toast. The game was incredibly fast and violent. Penalties vary depending on whether or not you draw blood.
I (that is Wiz) had a great birthday and I sincerely thank the rest of the Lads for all their generous gifts.
Wednesday, 30 December 1992
Detroit, MI Æ Chicago, IL.
Without a doubt the highlight of the trip for Wizza. We visited the Henry Ford Museum. It was pretty huge, but I thought it was a bit disappointing. It was full of shitty Fords - how good could it be?
That afternoon we drove to Chicago. I drove the first shift, so naturally it pissed down. Surprisingly, no snow though!
Frank and I rested up for New Years and Cakey, Wiz and Jan went walking in search of some night action. Jan’s powers were not activated so they ended up coming back having found absolutely nothing.
Thursday, 31 December 1992
We drove into downtown Chicago and gave it a bit of a scrute. We went and dipped our hands into one of the Great Lakes. It was outstandingly cold. The days max. was about -4°C and they are calling for -15°C tonight. How exciting ... Not.
Our first attempt for New Years was a dark and dingy club that Frank chose. (I think it was his Rumours days resurfacing.) We were impressed by some blokes dancing with themselves in a mirror. They were definite groovers and Frank tried to mimic their dazzling display. Unfortunately the rest of the crowd was a bit old so we headed to another bar down the road. There was a quite a bit more action going on here
(The rest of this report could be quite inaccurate because I can’t remember what happened.)
We were forbidden to play Hi Ho by a Nazi bouncer. Frank and I consumed for New Years and the other guys had a sip for New Years. We got turfed out at approximately 3:00am and were driven home again by blind Jan. Frank decided this was far too early and walked to Denny’s for some coffee.
Friday, 1 January 1993
Chicago, IL Æ Toledo, OH Æ Cleveland, OH Æ Pittsburgh, PA .
Cakey and Wiz got up at some ungodly hour so Wiz could pick up a new car and Cakey could set sail for Philadelphia. I was in charge of staying in bed and making sure it didn’t go anywhere.
We lay in bed and watched Arachniphobia. Then spent about 5 hours on the road driving to St. Louis.
We were all pretty stuffed so we stayed home that night and watched Cape Fear.
At last my cards form has returned! Jan and I are World Bridge Champions ( a game of skill not luck!). Jan is extremely good at being the Dummy.
Frank stayed up till 4:00am writing love letters to Kerryn.
Saturday, 2 January 1993
Chicago, IL Æ St Loius, MO.
Piitsburgh, PA Æ Philadelphia, PA.
Drove into downtown St. Louis and checked out the mighty Mississippi River, and a fantastic Arch. Booked into a dive of a hotel and went in search of a Laundromat. Accomplished this mission eventually and then Jan, Wiz, and Bank went shopping. Jan was desperate for a haircut but managed to schmarn somehow.
That night we ate at the Spaghetti factory - apparently a must - and went in search of a place to do up our last night in the U.S.A.. We got to a bar with some band playing that would stop during songs to pay out on people. You had to walk past them to go to the dunnies. Frank got paid out on for having an ugly jumper - it matched his body. Wiz cracked onto the waitress and she gave him a free bourbon.
We went to another bar following this rather serious drinking stint, where Frank and myself (the responsible ones) left Jan and Wiz in search of chicks. They were last seen drinking ‘Jorgo’meisters, apparently a guarantee of a hangover. About 2:30am they got into the room and proceeded to scream the nights events to us. (I was on the phone to the oldies at that stage.)
Jan and Wizza’s Story
Jan said Wiz had ‘Schmumbled’ across the carpark and bagged on some black guys car. ‘He got roosted by a killer Noomski’ was Jan’s call. Apparently Wiz got a thumping by the black dude! Jan Van Dam helped by running away at top speed according to Wiz.
Wiz then told us of Jan’s exploits at the bar, where he had followed this girl to the toilets twice, and managed to force her phone number out of her. He then proceeded to schmarn most heinously according to Wiz. Just as well because she was very unattractive.
Sunday, 3 January 1993
St Loius, MO Æ New York, NY Æ Rome, ITALY.
Philadelphia, PA .
Got to the airport in St. Louis to board a Trans Wad flight to New York to connect with the one to Rome. Got to New York no problems.
When getting ready to board our 6:00pm flight, TWA announced that they had over booked our flight. We had reserved seats so it didn’t matter, but we gave them up in return for a $500 voucher each and they put us in First Class on the next flight four hours later. I could learn to live with champagne and armchairs instead of beers and squeezy seats in fifth class.