Coach: Derek Osborn
ground: The Stadium of Enlightenment,
Wooden Spoon 2001
Zero Rating 2001, 2004, 2006, 2007
"Hard to push
off the ball, the Buddhas make their presence felt"
One of the founding
members of the BMRWFC and the inaugural premier, the Buddhas are a
fixture of the competition. Having enjoyed the spoils of a
premiership, they have also endured the
ignominy of defeat, claiming
the spoon in 2001. These days their aspirations have fallen to such depths
that a successful season for the Buddhas is defined as one in which
they avoid the spoon.
For a time,
Coach Derek was the prime challenger to Coach
Chia for the zero rating trophy. These days he is so lowly
rated that his name barely gets mentioned for such a prestigious
The Buddhas have been a nomadic
club, basing operations from such places as Broome, Port Hedland,
Tom Price and Perth, before their current relocation to Melbourne.
In the earlier years,
this side was known as "Atmospheric Derek", before their coach grow
into the Buddha role.
Coach: Michael Cake
ground: Sack Arena,
to Hall of Fame 2003
of the Year 2010
"Show Some Balls"
Another of the founding
members of the BMRWFC, the Ballbaggers are the only club to be honoured
with Hall Of Fame status. Consistent performances have been the
hallmark for Coach Cake, but so far a premiership has eluded him.
The Ballbaggers got
their name after Cakey exposed himself to the unfortunate Coach Sprunt
while sharing accommodation on the famous "Jorgo Wedding Tour of
Sweden" - not once, but twice. Previously, the Ballbaggers have
been called "Cakey Snakey" and "Cakey
Cazaly", but one gets the feeling
the current name is here to stay.
Coach Cake is
more famous for his off-field exploits. He maintained an unbeaten
run of Ice Cream Skull Championships for 8 years, before finally
being defeated by Farmer Frank in 2005, and his rendition of Ebony
and Ivory is iconic.
Coach: David Sprunt
ground: House of Pain, San
1997, 2003, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010
All Time Ratings Champion
of the Year 2006, 2007
shame about the team"
One of the founding
the BMRWFC, the Death are also one of the most successful,
accumulating an unparalleled six premierships (including going back-to-back in
06-07 and 09-10).
The origins of the Death name are not clear, but it is one of the few
nicknames that have remained unchanged throughout BMRWFC history. This is
despite other coaches voting in favour of changing the team name for
the 2010 season to the Haemorrhoid
Cushions, a change that never came into effect.
Coach Davo is also the current Daytona World Champion - after winning
the closest race in history against highly fancied Ravn at the 2004
windup - quite an accomplishment since Jorgo was applying a "wet willy"
for most of the race. Davo was also awarded Coach of the Year in 2006 and
2007 and is the reigning All Time Ratings Champion.
Coach: Frank Chia
ground: Ploughman's Paddock, Duranillan
Zero Rating Trophy 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2003
Came into the BMRWFC a year after its
inception, and has been playing catch-up ever since. The Farmers
have been hampered by a coach that at times has shown a lack of commitment, however slow uptake of modern
technologies is also partly to
This franchise has traditionally derived its name from Coach Chia's
vocation, and the the current name is no exception. Previously
they were known as the Bankers.
You cannot say too much about the Farmers without mentioning the Zero
Rating Trophy. Simply put, the Farmers have been Zero Rating superstars, and were it not for some
decidedly dodgy voting by Coach
Cake, they would never have relinquished the award. There has
been high level discussions about renaming the award "The Frank Chia
Commemorative Zero Rating Trophy".
Coach Chia also made
history by becoming the first person to defeat Coach Cake
in an ice cream skulling title race. He claims to retain the ice
cream skulling title and refuses to acknowledge Coach Jorgensen's
victory in the 2009 gourmet ice cream skulling slop fest.
The Farmer's have
been slowly reinventing themselves as BMRWFC contenders in recent
times. 2008 was a breakthrough year, which saw the Farmer's
play off in the grand final but fall agonisingly short.
Coach: Daniel Fry
"Fearsome competitors, the Fever try and
use intimidation and aggression as their main weapons."
The Fever entered the BMRWFC in 1997 and along with fellow
Aquinian Gazz, have been powerhouses of the competition. The battle
for All Time Ratings Champion was once a two horse battle between these two,
and Dan's pedigree was confirmed by premierships in 2004 and 2008.
The Fever derive their name from Coach Fry's infamous change of
personality whenever he crosses the white line of a playing field - a
transformation that only Denno can come close to matching. Due to
Dan's unnatural fascination with the now defunct North Melbourne
Football Club, this team was previous known as the "Roo Boys".
Dan unsuccessfully applied for a name change to the "Toilet Ducks" in
2003 and recently received a logo update courtesy of the new Perth netball team.
Coach Fry's most
famous off field moment came when he crashed spectacularly in the
2009 Olympic Steeplechase, prompting him to consider a visit to
the emergency ward for a tetanus
Coach: Philip Barrett-Lennard
ground: Gin Gin
of the Year 2004
"Has been an antagonist in his early
years of the BMRWFC - a good indicator of future success".
The Fwippers were part of the competition expansion to 16 teams in
2003, and enjoyed immediate success, being awarded the (largely
subjective) Coach of the Year title in 2004. His
follow-up campaigns in 2005 and 2006 were not nearly as successful, but the
Fwippers have been back in amongst the eight over the last two
seasons and are re-emerging as a title contender.
The Fwippers team name is a play on Coach Phil's name, and the club
logo is thought to be the best by many coaches. Fwipper has
distinguished himself at the annual wind-up and is now
a valuable part of the BMRWFC community.
Coach: Garry Flanagan
ground: Orleans Oval, Houston
Zero Rating Trophy 2009, 2010
Joined the BMRWFC in
immediately left a mark. The Gazz went back-to-back over the millennium,
winning flags in 1999 and 2000. The Jazz have
earnt themselves a fearsome reputation
and have battled earnestly, over the years, for the title of All Time Ratings
Champion. The Gazz are also famous for never finishing lower than
xth. Coach Garry has never been shy in talking
himself up, and indeed is one of the
few Australians to have succeeded while doing so.
In more recent years
the Jazz have fallen on harder times and how their bark is worse
than their bite. So dramatic has been their fall from grace
that Coach Garry now currently holds the Zero Rating Trophy.
He became a multiple winner of this illustrious title when Coach
Chia sealed his fate by declaring that "you need to spend
some time with the trophy to come to truly understand it".
The Jazz are one team
that has broken international frontiers for the BMRWFC, having
spent several years based from Houston and infamously drafting
from a Korean library.
Few people command a microphone like Garry at the Golden Swan Karaoke
Restaurant, and his refusal to yield the floor almost caused a fight at
the 2004 wind-up.
Coach: Michael Jorgensen
ground: Craaker Park, North Perth
Spoon 2005, 2010
The Jaatzies have been a fixture of the
competition from the start and are one of the original "Big Men".
While being fairly consistent, the Craakers have never really enjoyed
lofty heights, which is probably a fact that can be attributed in part to Coach
Jorgo's ability to repel luck.
In 2005 and again in 2010 the Craakers claimed the spoon.
The Craakers derived their name from a combination of Wizza's inability
to type and spell. Originally intended to be the Jatz Crackers,
they ended up with a "wizzerism" of Jaatzie Craakers. The team went
through intermittent stints where they were known as
"Yosemite Jorgo" and "The Chuckers",
before reverting back to their traditional name.
As Minister for Atmosphere Coach Jorgo always commands respect at
the windup, but he, himself, has often been a source of entertainment.
His progression into inebriation during the 2003 event was
In more recent
times Coach Jorgo has found an edge over his fellow competitors in
the Olympic competition, prompting him to declare that
"others succeed in fantasy,
I win in reality".
Coach: Mark Toomath
Established: 2003, renamed 2006
ground: Booragoon via Dunedin
franchise joined the competition
when it expanded to 16 teams in 2003 under the direction of Coach Mark
Owen, but after 3 years of mediocrity and poor commitment, "Mowen" was
unanimously dumped by the BMRWFC members during the 2005 windup.
new coach Mark Toomath, who is the first Kiwi to hold such an honour,
and the club was re-branded the Math-o-mats.
The club is subject
to regular rebranding attempts and in 2008 accepted their current moniker.
a history of achieving very little (much like New Zealand in general),
expectations are high for Coach Toomath, and he will be keen for an improved showing.
But concern is growing about his "all the eggs in the one
basket" coaching philosophy, with a heavy emphasis on
recruiting Eagles players.
Coach: Paul Dennett
ground: Pleasure Dome, London
The Orgazmos are one of four clubs who
have played in every season in the BMRWFC, and that is about all that
can be said about them. Denno played off in the Spoon final in
2005, but prior to that the only thing the Orgazmos have come close to
winning is an April Premiership.
The Orgazmos have, at various times in their history, been known as "Dinosaur
Denno", "Dynamite Denno" and "Denno's
Discounts". However, it
was at Davo's buck's party in 1998 that the current name emerged.
While in a state of drunken candour, Denno was overheard describing his
ability to please women as being second to none, even offering quotes
from former girlfriends. When news of Denno's reputation
spread, one of the former girlfriends vehemently refuted such ability,
but the nickname has stuck.
Denno also has a remarkable record when it comes to avoiding
nudity. The Lad's annual Easter "Run for the Buns", traditionally
conducted in socks, jocks or complete nudity has always attracted
excuses, not participation from Coach Denno.
Coach: Steve Pavlinovich
Joining the BMRWFC in 2003, Pav has had
little to get excited about save Wooden Spoons in 2007 and 2009. A premiership is targeted for
2014 based on his current drafting strategy of pilfering all the
early selections from the AFL national draft. But the strategy
is yet to yield fruit. Indeed so insipid have been the
Pavlovas performances over the
years, that in 2008 they claimed the title of All Time Ratings
Loser - a title that, until then, had been the sole preserve of
the Tooly Men and the Trucks.
The Pavlovas have perhaps the least imaginative name and logo in the
BMRWFC, however an application to change to "Luke's Rasta Magic" was rejected by
The Pavlovas most notable moves in the BMRWFC has been acquiring star recruit Llane
Spaanderman and holding an enthralling putting battle amidst the
gloom against Coach Jan during the 2005 windup.
Coach: Jan Ravn
ground: Rajastan Reserve, Ferndale
Zero Rating Trophy 2005
The Ruckmen joined the BMRWFC in 1998
and initially had little impact. Suffering
through a prolonged stint in the nether regions of the ladder, it was Coach
Ravn's return to Perth from the deserts of Oman that saw his team revitalized.
This successful period returned him three minor premierships and
two grand final appearances, prompting Coach Ravn to declare
himself a dominant force in the competition. But tragically,
like so much in Jan's life, it has been a matter of so close but so
Nothing characterizes Coach Ravn better than "Jan Schmarn" - a name synonymous
with stumbling at the last hurdle, an curse that has
dogged Jan for more than a decade. Indeed the Ruckmen have developed a
reputation as finals chokers having lost a staggering 75% of their
matches in the last two weeks of the BMRWFC finals.
The team was formerly known as "Ravn's Rucking
Rajas", and the "Ball of Jan Football Club". In a tied
vote the team name was almost changed in 2008 to Spartans FC, in
recognition of his team's inability to stand firm against the
The annual windup is always full of surprises, and 2005 was no
different. Despite an impressive record during the season, the
Ruckmen's inability to close the deal and win a big final cost them
dearly - he was awarded the Zero Rating Trophy by his peers. The only
winner to have been awarded the ZRT just once. Coach Ravn
also famously got himself lost in a toilet cubicle in one of the
BMRWFC's first windups, with just the Who Cares Bowl to keep him
Coach: Steve Johnston
of the Year 2005
Time Ratings Loser
teams have had created an impact on
the BMRWFC like the Stickmen. Joining in 2005 , Coach Johnno took a franchise
(the Kings) that was once famous for
it's mediocrity and steered them to a flag. Keen to enjoy all the
BMRWFC had to offer, the Stickmen then became the first club in history
to follow a flag with a Wooden Spoon. Consistent poor showings has now
seen him collect the All Time Ratings Loser title, which make the
rest of us wonder just how far this organisation has actually
Coach Johnno's ability to rabbit on about nothing in particular,
and argue senseless points made him a natural fit for the BMRWFC, however his
reliance on fellow Coach Riemann to help defend himself is a concern.
The club name was chosen by Coach Johnno simply because it had two
syllables, while the logo was selected because it was "easily drawn by
small children, wogs and seppos". Coach Johnno has been instrumental
in taking BMRWFC branding and merchandising to a new level.
His licence submission was a remarkable piece of work, and, as a
result, he is the only coach to ever successfully apply for a team
name that is of his choosing.
True to form, Coach
Johnno make a sensational debut at the 2005 BMRWFC
windup, when his brought his trademark "tsunami"
skulling technique to the table.
Coach: Tim Manser-Smith
of the Year 2009
Commencing operations in 2003, to say
the Tooly Man struggled early would be an understatement. Earning
the Wooden Spoon in 2003, they could improve only one position to 15th
in 2004. By their own standards, the leap to 13th position in 2005
was quantum. But in 2006 the Tooly Men achieved a breakthrough, making the
finals. Despite a major setback in 2007 - when they played
off for the spoon again - the Tooly Men were back in finals
contention in 2008. Only time will tell if Coachy Manser-Smith
has sorted out his teething problems, but he has at least managed
to shake off the tag of All Time Ratings Loser.
Surprisingly, Coach Tim has been unable to replicate his worldwide
dominance of AFL tipping in his BMRWFC exploits. But his commitment and
dedication to the competition has been unquestionable since
joining the fray.
Tim has historically been a boat race team captain, a honour that was bestowed
upon him when, in 2003, he marshalled the worst skulling team in
history to a historic victory.
Coach: Trevor O'Connor
Spoon 2000, 2008
Trev joined the BMRWFC with his fellow
Aquinians in 1998, but that has been all he has had in common with
them. For whilst both the Jazz and the Fever have won premierships,
the Trucks have wallowed in the lower half of the ladder. The one blip
being a 3rd place finish in 2009 - just the 2nd time that the
Trucks have finished in the top half of the ladder.
Over the years Coach Trev has
struggled to shake the title of All Time Ratings Loser. In 2008 the Truck's
comprehensively won their second wooden spoon, joining the
Craakers and the Pavs as the only current
franchises to have earnt themselves a salad set.
The Trucks have been notorious for suspect drafting practices,
including his refusal to draft anyone in 2005 until all position
changes were known and for famously selected the wrong O'hAilpin.
The Trucks derive their name from Trev's high school nickname, and have
retained it from inception, although the club unsuccessfully
a change to "Trev's Titans" in 2003.
Coach: Steve Riemann
ground: Somewhere in Victoria
Giants cannot be discussed without first mentioning their famous
origins. Originally known at United, the franchise has a long
and storied history. But after unsuccessfully
leading a charge to radically change the direction of the
competition, Wizza took his bat and ball
and went home, which is when the Steve Riemann era began. To talk much more
about the past would be to do an injustice to Coach Riemann, but
it must be acknowledged that it wasn't until 2008 that the Giant's
were finally accepted as their own brand.
introduction to the competition, Coach Riemann has been in and out
of the finals like a yo-yo. There is a much stronger need
for consistency in performance from
the Giants, otherwise they might just go the way of their sister
team, the Stickmen, in settling permanently near the bottom of the
Little is known about Coach Riemann and he maintains an aura of
mystique, much like Kenny from South Park. Indeed he was only
confirmed to exist in 2007 when the first sighting of him was confirmed by Davo and Frank
whilst on a Sasquatch expedition in Melbourne.