The clubs


The Buddhas
Coach: Derek Osborn
Established: 1996
Home ground: The Stadium of Enlightenment, Melbourne
Premiers 1996
Wooden Spoon 2001
Zero Rating 2001, 2004, 2006, 2007
"Hard to push off the ball, the Buddhas make their presence felt"
One of the founding members of the BMRWFC and the inaugural premier, the Buddhas are a fixture of the competition.  Having enjoyed the spoils of a premiership, they have also endured the
ignominy of defeat, claiming the spoon in 2001.  These days their aspirations have fallen to such depths that a successful season for the Buddhas is defined as one in which they avoid the spoon.

For a time, Coach Derek was the prime challenger to Coach Chia for the zero rating trophy.  These days he is so lowly rated that his name barely gets mentioned for such a prestigious trophy.

The Buddhas have been a nomadic club, basing operations from such places as Broome, Port Hedland, Tom Price
and Perth, before their current relocation to Melbourne.  

In the earlier years, this side was known as "Atmospheric Derek", before their coach grow into the Buddha role.

Captain Ballbaggers
Coach: Michael Cake
Established: 1996
Home ground: Sack Arena, Scarborough
Elected to Hall of Fame 2003

Coach of the Year 2010

"Show Some Balls"
Another of the founding members of the BMRWFC, the Ballbaggers are the only club to be honoured with Hall Of Fame status.  Consistent performances have been the hallmark for Coach Cake, but so far a premiership has eluded him. 

The Ballbaggers got their name after Cakey exposed himself to the unfortunate Coach Sprunt while sharing accommodation on the famous "Jorgo Wedding Tour of Sweden" - not once, but twice.  Previously, the Ballbaggers have been called
"Cakey Snakey" and "Cakey Cazaly", but one gets the feeling that the current name is here to stay.

Coach Cake is probably more famous for his off-field exploits.  He maintained an unbeaten run of Ice Cream Skull Championships for 8 years, before finally being defeated by Farmer Frank in 2005, and his rendition of Ebony and Ivory is iconic.

Davo Death
Coach: David Sprunt
Established: 1996
Home ground: House of Pain, San Ramone

Premiers 1997, 2003, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010

All Time Ratings Champion

Coach of the Year 2006, 2007

"Tough name, shame about the team"
One of the founding members of the BMRWFC, the Death are also one of the most successful, accumulating an unparalleled six premierships (including going back-to-back in 06-07 and 09-10).

The origins of the Death name are not clear, but it is one of the few nicknames that have remained unchanged throughout BMRWFC history.  This is despite other coaches voting in favour of changing the team name for the 2010 season to the
Haemorrhoid Cushions, a change that never came into effect.

Coach Davo is also the current Daytona World Champion - after winning the closest race in history against highly fancied Ravn at the 2004 windup - quite an accomplishment since Jorgo was applying a "wet willy" for most of the race.  Davo was also awarded Coach of the Year in 2006 and 2007 and is the reigning All Time Ratings Champion.

Farmer Frank
Coach: Frank Chia
Established: 1997
Home ground: Ploughman's Paddock, Duranillan
Wooden Spoon 2004
Zero Rating Trophy 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2003
Came into the BMRWFC a year after its inception, and has been playing catch-up ever since.  The Farmers have been hampered by a coach that  at times has shown a lack of commitment, however slow uptake of modern technologies is also partly to blame. 

This franchise has traditionally derived its name from Coach Chia's vocation, and the the current name is no exception.  Previously they were known as the Bankers.

You cannot say too much about the Farmers without mentioning the Zero Rating Trophy.  Simply put, the Farmers have been Zero Rating superstars, and were it not for some
decidedly dodgy voting by Coach Cake, they would never have relinquished the award.  There has been high level discussions about renaming the award "The Frank Chia Commemorative Zero Rating Trophy".

Coach Chia also made history by becoming the first person to defeat Coach Cake in an ice cream skulling title race.  He claims to retain the ice cream skulling title and refuses to acknowledge Coach Jorgensen's victory in the 2009 gourmet ice cream skulling slop fest.

The Farmer's have been slowly reinventing themselves as BMRWFC contenders in recent times.  2008 was a breakthrough year, which saw the Farmer's play off in the grand final but fall agonisingly short.

Dan's Fever
Coach: Daniel Fry
Established: 1997
Home ground: Wembley
Premiers 2004, 2008
"Fearsome competitors, the Fever try and use intimidation and aggression as their main weapons."

The Fever entered the BMRWFC in 1997 and along with fellow Aquinian  Gazz, have been powerhouses of the competition.  The battle for All Time Ratings Champion was once a two horse battle between these two, and Dan's pedigree was confirmed by premierships in 2004 and 2008.

The Fever derive their name from Coach Fry's infamous change of personality whenever he crosses the white line of a playing field - a transformation that only Denno can come close to matching.  Due to Dan's unnatural fascination with the now defunct North Melbourne Football Club, this team was previous known as the "Roo Boys".  Dan
unsuccessfully applied for a name change to the "Toilet Ducks" in 2003 and recently received a logo update courtesy of the new Perth netball team.

Coach Fry's most famous off field moment came when he crashed spectacularly in the 2009 Olympic Steeplechase, prompting him to consider a visit to the emergency ward for a tetanus shot.

The Fwippers
Coach: Philip Barrett-Lennard
Established: 2003
Home ground: Gin Gin
Coach of the Year 2004
"Has been an antagonist in his early years of the BMRWFC - a good indicator of future success".

The Fwippers were part of the competition expansion to 16 teams in 2003, and enjoyed immediate success, being awarded the (largely subjective) Coach of the Year title in 2004.    His follow-up campaigns in 2005 and 2006 were not nearly as successful, but the Fwippers have been back in amongst the eight over the last two seasons and are re-emerging as a title contender.

The Fwippers team name is a play on Coach Phil's name, and the club logo is thought to be the best by many coaches.  Fwipper has distinguished himself at the annual wind-up and is now a valuable part of the BMRWFC community.

Gazz Jazz
Coach: Garry Flanagan
Established: 1997
Home ground: Orleans Oval, Houston
Premiers 1999, 2000

Zero Rating Trophy 2009, 2010

Joined the BMRWFC in 1997 and immediately left a mark.  The Gazz went back-to-back over the millennium, winning flags in 1999 and 2000.  The Jazz have earnt themselves a fearsome reputation and have battled earnestly, over the years, for the title of All Time Ratings Champion.  The Gazz are also famous for never finishing lower than xth.  Coach Garry has never been shy in talking himself up, and indeed is one of the few Australians to have succeeded while doing so.

In more recent years the Jazz have fallen on harder times and how their bark is worse than their bite.  So dramatic has been their fall from grace that Coach Garry now currently holds the Zero Rating Trophy.  He became a multiple winner of this illustrious title when Coach Chia sealed his fate by declaring that "you need to spend some time with the trophy to come to truly understand it".

The Jazz are one team that has broken international frontiers for the BMRWFC, having spent several years based from Houston and infamously drafting from a Korean library.

Few people command a microphone like Garry at the Golden Swan Karaoke Restaurant, and his refusal to yield the floor almost caused a fight at the 2004 wind-up.

Jaatzie Craakers
Coach: Michael Jorgensen
Established: 1996
Home ground: Craaker Park, North Perth
Wooden Spoon 2005, 2010
The Jaatzies have been a fixture of the competition from the start and are one of the original "Big Men".  While being fairly consistent, the Craakers have never really enjoyed lofty heights, which is probably a fact that can be attributed in part to Coach Jorgo's ability to repel luck.  In 2005 and again in 2010 the Craakers claimed the spoon.

The Craakers derived their name from a combination of Wizza's inability to type and spell.  Originally intended to be the Jatz Crackers, they ended up with a "wizzerism" of Jaatzie Craakers.  The team went through
intermittent stints where they were known as "Yosemite Jorgo" and "The Chuckers", before reverting back to their traditional name.

As Minister for Atmosphere Coach Jorgo always commands respect at the windup, but he, himself, has often been a source of entertainment.  His progression into inebriation during the 2003 event was masterfully documented.

In more recent times Coach Jorgo has found an edge over his fellow competitors in the Olympic competition, prompting him to declare that "others succeed in fantasy, I win in reality".


Tasman Devils
Coach: Mark Toomath
Established: 2003, renamed 2006
Home ground: Booragoon via Dunedin
This franchise joined the competition when it expanded to 16 teams in 2003 under the direction of Coach Mark Owen, but after 3 years of mediocrity and poor commitment, "Mowen" was unanimously dumped by the BMRWFC members during the 2005 windup.  Enter new coach Mark Toomath, who is the first Kiwi to hold such an honour, and the club was re-branded the Math-o-mats.

The club is subject to regular rebranding attempts and in 2008 accepted their current moniker.

After a history of achieving very little (much like New Zealand in general), expectations are high for Coach Toomath, and he will be keen for an improved showing.  But concern is growing about his "all the eggs in the one basket" coaching philosophy, with a heavy emphasis on recruiting Eagles players.

Coach: Paul Dennett
Established: 1996
Home ground: Pleasure Dome, London
The Orgazmos are one of four clubs who have played in every season in the BMRWFC, and that is about all that can be said about them.  Denno played off in the Spoon final in 2005, but prior to that the only thing the Orgazmos have come close to winning is an April Premiership.

The Orgazmos have, at various times in their history, been known as "Dinosaur Denno", "Dynamite Denno" and
"Denno's Discounts".  However, it was at Davo's buck's party in 1998 that the current name emerged.  While in a state of drunken candour, Denno was overheard describing his ability to please women as being second to none, even offering quotes from former girlfriends.  When news of Denno's reputation spread, one of the former girlfriends vehemently refuted such ability, but the nickname has stuck.

Denno also has a remarkable record when it comes to avoiding nudity.  The Lad's annual Easter "Run for the Buns", traditionally conducted in socks, jocks or complete nudity has always attracted excuses, not participation from Coach Denno.

Coach: Steve Pavlinovich
Established: 2003
Home ground: Bayswater

Wooden Spoon 2007, 2009

Joining the BMRWFC in 2003, Pav has had little to get excited about save Wooden Spoons in 2007 and 2009.  A premiership is targeted for 2014 based on his current drafting strategy of pilfering all the early selections from the AFL national draft.  But the strategy is yet to yield fruit.  Indeed so insipid have been the Pavlovas performances over the years, that in 2008 they claimed the title of All Time Ratings Loser - a title that, until then, had been the sole preserve of the Tooly Men and the Trucks.

The Pavlovas have perhaps the least imaginative name and logo in the BMRWFC, however an application to change to "Luke's Rasta Magic" was rejected by fellow coaches. 

The Pavlovas most notable moves in the BMRWFC has been acquiring star recruit Llane Spaanderman and holding an enthralling putting battle amidst the gloom against Coach Jan during the 2005 windup.


Ravn's Ruckmen
Coach: Jan Ravn
Established: 1997
Home ground: Rajastan Reserve, Ferndale
Wooden Spoon 1999
Zero Rating Trophy 2005
The Ruckmen joined the BMRWFC in 1998 and initially had little impact.   Suffering through a prolonged stint in the nether regions of the ladder, it was Coach Ravn's return to Perth from the deserts of Oman that saw his team revitalized.  This successful period returned him three minor premierships and two grand final appearances, prompting Coach Ravn to declare himself a dominant force in the competition.  But tragically, like so much in Jan's life, it has been a matter of so close but so far.

Nothing characterizes Coach Ravn better than "Jan Schmarn" - a name
synonymous with  stumbling at the last hurdle, an curse that has dogged Jan for more than a decade.  Indeed the Ruckmen have developed a reputation as finals chokers having lost a staggering 75% of their matches in the last two weeks of the BMRWFC finals.

The team was formerly known as
"Ravn's Rucking Rajas", and the "Ball of Jan Football Club".  In a tied vote the team name was almost changed in 2008 to Spartans FC, in recognition of his team's inability to stand firm against the odds.

The annual windup is always full of surprises, and 2005 was no different.  Despite an impressive record during the season, the Ruckmen's inability to close the deal and win a big final cost them dearly - he was awarded the Zero Rating Trophy by his peers.  The only winner to have been awarded the ZRT just once.  Coach Ravn also famously got himself lost in a toilet cubicle in one of the BMRWFC's first windups, with just the Who Cares Bowl to keep him company.

The Stickmen
Coach: Steve Johnston
Established: 2004
Home ground: Melbourne

Premiers 2005

Coach of the Year 2005

Wooden Spoon 2006

All Time Ratings Loser

Few teams have had created an impact on the BMRWFC like the Stickmen.  Joining in 2005 , Coach Johnno took a franchise (the Kings) that was once famous for it's mediocrity and steered them to a flag.  Keen to enjoy all the BMRWFC had to offer, the Stickmen then became the first club in history to follow a flag with a Wooden Spoon.  Consistent poor showings has now seen him collect the All Time Ratings Loser title, which make the rest of us wonder just how far this organisation has actually come.

Coach Johnno's ability to 
rabbit on about nothing in particular, and argue senseless points made him a natural fit for the BMRWFC, however his reliance on fellow Coach Riemann to help defend himself is a concern.

The club name was chosen by Coach Johnno simply because it had two syllables, while the logo was selected because it was "easily drawn by small children, wogs and seppos".  Coach Johnno has been instrumental in taking BMRWFC branding and merchandising to a new level.  His licence submission was a remarkable piece of work, and, as a result, he is the only coach to ever successfully apply for a team name that is of his choosing.

True to form, Coach Johnno make a sensational debut at the 2005 BMRWFC windup, when his brought his trademark "tsunami" skulling technique to the table.

Tooly Men
Coach: Tim Manser-Smith
Established: 2003
Home ground: Nedlands

Wooden Spoon 2003

Coach of the Year 2009

Commencing operations in 2003, to say the Tooly Man struggled early would be an understatement.  Earning the Wooden Spoon in 2003, they could improve only one position to 15th in 2004.  By their own standards, the leap to 13th position in 2005 was quantum.  But in 2006 the Tooly Men achieved a breakthrough, making the finals.  Despite a major setback in 2007 - when they played off for the spoon again - the Tooly Men were back in finals contention in 2008.  Only time will tell if Coachy Manser-Smith has sorted out his teething problems, but he has at least managed to shake off the tag of All Time Ratings Loser.

Surprisingly, Coach Tim has been unable to replicate his worldwide dominance of AFL tipping in his BMRWFC exploits.  But his commitment and dedication to the competition has been unquestionable since joining the fray.

Tim has historically been a boat race team captain, a honour that was bestowed upon him when, in 2003, he marshalled the worst skulling team in history to a historic victory.

Trev's Trucks
Coach: Trevor O'Connor
Established: 1998
Home ground: Brentwood
Wooden Spoon 2000, 2008
Trev joined the BMRWFC with his fellow Aquinians in 1998, but that has been all he has had in common with them.  For whilst both the Jazz and the Fever have won premierships, the Trucks have wallowed in the lower half of the ladder.  The one blip being a 3rd place finish in 2009 - just the 2nd time that the Trucks have finished in the top half of the ladder.

Over the years Coach Trev has struggled to shake the title of All Time Ratings Loser.  In 2008 the Truck's comprehensively won their second wooden spoon, joining the Craakers and the Pavs as the only current franchises to have earnt themselves a salad set.

The Trucks have been notorious for suspect drafting practices, including his refusal to draft anyone in 2005 until all position changes were known and for famously selected the wrong O'hAilpin.

The Trucks derive their name from Trev's high school nickname, and have retained it from inception, although the club
unsuccessfully applied for a change to "Trev's Titans" in 2003.


Giant McFools
Coach: Steve Riemann
Established: 2005
Home ground: Somewhere in Victoria
The Giants cannot be discussed without first mentioning their famous origins.  Originally known at United, the franchise has a long and storied history.  But after unsuccessfully leading a charge to radically change the direction of the competition, Wizza took his bat and ball and went home, which is when the Steve Riemann era began. To talk much more about the past would be to do an injustice to Coach Riemann, but it must be acknowledged that it wasn't until 2008 that the Giant's were finally accepted as their own brand.

Since his introduction to the competition, Coach Riemann has been in and out of the finals like a yo-yo.  There is a much stronger need for consistency in performance from the Giants, otherwise they might just go the way of their sister team, the Stickmen, in settling permanently near the bottom of the table.

Little is known about Coach Riemann and he maintains an aura of mystique, much like Kenny from South Park.  Indeed he was only confirmed to exist in 2007 when the first sighting of him was confirmed by Davo and Frank whilst on a Sasquatch expedition in Melbourne.